11/03/2007
noone but me from URL @ 5:45 AM
There are many things that i want to say to you,
im feeling a whole lot of things now. & i dont quite know why.
i dont particularly feel like typing properly too and i dont think im gna ask for yr pardon.
i just need to ramble.
its 5sth in the morning and i fell asleep on ss last night.
i was supposed to finish ss last night so that the weekends could be lit devoted.
but im only done with 2 themes. great? no. super.
i need to do well for ss, but i really wna do well for lit.
well, considering that im planning to take lit in jc, i need to do well for lit now too dont i.
i mean, its stupid. why take lit for the As when i cant handle the Os.
Stupid, thats kinda what i feel like now.
& i dont feel like doing the whole studying thing again for the As, especially since its gna be a giant risk with me taking all arts.
i would like to go overseas and take psychology.
singaporean people are too hard to figure.
complex like the rubix cube.
anyway,
i feel disappointed, and then angry. and then hurt and then defiant. and then upset and then pissed.
i dont know. i hate not knowing.
its the mistake i made that i never knew i made.
the slap in the face i got, for which i never knew why.
& then i wonder why im actually subservient to you; wth, its my game too.
why. im the kind who'd rather hurt with the truth than not know, hello.
i turned someone i thought who was my best friend into an enemy two years ago.
i doubt i shed a single tear. & here i am, with this stupid things pouring out.
okay whatever. this post is aimless; or it might have a significance not targetted at anyone.
yeah, im still the same person. its just the things inside that i guess you never knew existed.
shuddup, thank god its the weekend.
& i never realised a whole year is gone.
June just meant unit camp, and any time after that meant prelims and then Os.
no one reminded me that the year's gone by too.
its just a month till the next year.
i want the stupid rewind button, dammit.
or maybe not; i want to pack up and leave.
yesterday we watched my dad's car.
and i thought of many years ago, how we used to wash his van as a family.
mom vaccuum and clean the inside, brother and i with the hose and soap and dad at the wheels.
we used to climb onto the top of the van to clean it, and much younger those were thrills.
we'd start dry, end soaked.
some times i hate so much i wonder where the hate comes from.
and then i realise it was for a reason and then i thank god.
yeah, the os are ending and every other time i think of it i start laughing, but not now.
i just might miss the driven determination of gg home to sit down and study.
im gonna feel aimless; aimlessly comfortable i guess.
somehow i dont really feel like go go going out, maybe with just specific groups of people
or no.
maybe its my current mood, cos yest i felt like gg out pretty bad.
uh whatever again. these days wre supposed to be with you.
there's a lot of things gg on the 11th of december.
i can just say goodbye to my chemical romance's concert.
and dammit i was really looking forward to that.
and there's a significant other thing going on.
& the most important would be kathleen kong's birthday.
the youngest kid.
KATHLEEN KONG IS AN ANGEL (:
yeah, kathleen kong is an angel.
okay yeah. so i dont really much time left do i. im supposed to be studying.
just for these 4 days. damn i hate the feeling of so near yet so far.
and i liked my os english compo, it was on heroes and i thought of you & a certain part c.
and i liked my os tamil compo, cos it was sad.
oh, in both my compos the dad was killed off; no significance.
i love my dad, i'd die if he were to really die. i really would.
but i think i love my brother the most, i think. he dyed his hair brown.
and if he was to read this he'll just go ew. i dont tell my brother i love him
like yeah right, as though you do.
and okay i think i have rambled sufficiently, i feel relatively better.
its all those poisonous thoughts that were consuming my mind, i couldnt get the freaking ss in.
but for now, why the sinhalese and the indians fought is more important than you.
or so i believe.
i want to swim in the kallang river and then drown.
or maybe not, packing up and leaving still sounds more tempting.
but i wont. cos i love too many people here.
im the kind that mean what i say.
friends forever was something i still mean with you.
laadeedaa; tralalalalalala; feeefifooooooooo.
kathleen kong is an angel.
im publishing this post without rereading through it.
at then end, i still dont know howwhywhat, like wth, i dontknow.
but i dont know how
i dont love you,
like i did,
yesterday.
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